I do not have a clue how this will go or even what will come out as time goes on. I am notoriously bad at finding time for everything I need/want to do. I am really hoping that I can make the time and commit myself to documenting my struggles and my triumphs as I work through life as a Christian father.
Just to begin... I have four children, ages 11 (boy), 8 (girl), 6 (boy), 1 (boy) and my wife is pregnant with our fifth. I was a guy who never really ever considered having children, maybe one, but not a whole crew. After our first I was fine with just one. My wife wanted another to keep him company and to avoid the only child thing. I gave in and that gave us two. The third was not planned and that gave us three. After that I got a vasectomy. We were done. Thanks, God, but we're at our limit.
Even before the vasectomy was done, my wife was questioning whether that was a decision we should have made or not. After it was done she continued to question it and I was fine with it since it was already done. She kept saying that she believed we just told God that we didn't want anymore blessings. We had even sought the council of the children's pastor at our church (at that time) and he said everyone has their limits and we should think about how having too many children causes them all to suffer as they would not receive the attention they need. I am very alarmed by that now that I look back on it.
I was not on board with the "let God decide the size of your family" theory that my wife was becoming more and more convinced was the direction we should be going. I kept thinking, oh no, I can't be a "quiver-full" guy.
After many months of my wife and I being on opposite ends of this idea and the strain that put on our relationship, I was at that point that we all get to eventually where we weakly fall to the floor and groan to God and (finally) seek His face purely, completely, with the humblest of attitudes because we are totally defeated by the situation that is currently beating us into a small heap on the floor. Why it takes something like that to finally get us to that point is beyond me, but it does seem to take something severe to get our attention. Well, at that time, after I finally gave up the incredibly human notion that I can handle things and deal with them on my own, God showed me something. He basically showed me that my being in total agreement with the "quiver-full" mission my wife was being called strongly into was not the point at all. It was not about me in the least. MY mission as husband to her was to "love [my wife], just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Ephesians 5:25). If Christ loved me enough to give his LIFE for me in a torturous and painful death, then surely I can give up my selfish desires (unbiblical desires at that) and love my wife enough to let go of my fears.
So, I finally agreed to get the vasectomy reversed. This was no small thing to me. The vasectomy itself was difficult enough and it was only about four minutes worth of my life. The reversal on the other hand is much more invasive and takes about an hour and a half or so. I cannot tell you the fear I had at doing this. I think I was as scared as I've ever been. I won't go into great detail about that part of this story but I did make it there and through the surgery without running away and hiding somewhere. And about a year later, we had our fourth child and our first reversal baby.This was not necessarily a welcomed idea with many of our friends who think we are a little bit crazy among other things. It seemed some did not understand or agree with the decision. This sometimes made it very difficult as we were trying to be obedient to God's call with our family and wanted everyone to understand and rejoice with us. Why would anyone be against the idea of us trying to be obedient to a calling we felt God was putting on our lives?
When he (#4) was about nine months old or so we came to the point where my wife was beginning her monthly cycle again and the possibility to become pregnant again was there. We both were a bit nervous at the thought. Especially with the lack of support from those around us. My wife commented to me that this is where the rubber hits the road. If we backed out now any good we'd done as an example of faith in God for our family would be shot, even with our own children who knew the whole story of what we were doing. Well, as difficult as it was for me, I forced myself to not worry about what day of the cycle it was (stay away from day 14 was what I was taught in my worldly education). We just went on with our lives and trusted that God knew what he was doing.
December of 2007 #5, a beautiful baby girl, was born.
And guess what? #6 came December of 2009.
The point here is that I didn't want a large family, but what I want is irrelevant. It is not about me. We should consider our lives here on this planet as an extra long mission trip after which we go back home to be with Christ when our work is done. That's a hard one to follow as there are just too many opportunities to self-indulge and enjoy life. I do not believe we were put here to enjoy ourselves exactly. I believe we were put here to find joy in the things that He gives us to do. Joy and happiness are not necessarily the same thing and we have such a tendency to want happiness. When I finally get it more figured out I believe I will see that joy is actually way more satisfying than happiness ever even thought about being.
So this journey that I am on has really just begun. I am 40-something and having my sixth child and letting God decide how many we have. My attitude about it has changed dramatically, thank you, God. I love my kids and cannot imagine not having them... every one of them. Not that I am not a little scared still, but I am loosening up more and more and enjoying my mission at this point. I have such a long way to go and I pray God grants me wisdom to do it right. That is the purpose of my little blog here, to document my journey and hopefully be used by God to help others finding themselves on a similar journey. Here's to letting go and having faith.
