Here's a Great Message

The Centrality of the Home in the Evangelism and Discipleship of the Next Generation - Voddie Baucham

Take 30 minutes or so to listen to this and you will hear Voddie talk about this mission.

CLICK HERE

Oof.

This is going to sound a bit like a rant... and it may be... but I must share it as it is the single most important event in my life in a long time.

I have come to a place in my life where I realized things about myself that have caused me to completely put a halt on myself and who I am. Let me explain, a little.

There was a situation this past weekend where it was mentioned to me (by someone very close me to that I love dearly) that I was lacking some integrity. This is not an easy thing to hear. But in this situation, I realized it was absolutely true. Then I began to take assessment of my life and I realized that in almost every area of my life I had issues.

I had no problems being a little dishonest to make a situation better or easier. I had no problems setting my goals based on what I wanted and thinking very little of anyone else. I had no problems putting those things I wanted ahead of God and my family. My priorities are just completely off. Things I had promised my wife that I would come through with, I didn't. Things I promised the kids I would do with/for them, I didn't. Things I promised God I would do, I didn't.

So Saturday night I was awake most of the night sick to my stomach about my life and how I was living it. I prayed so much that night and lamented to God and begged forgiveness.

I have continued to think about what I have done with myself and why. I have considered that I have spent all of my time filling my head with things that do not necessarily glorify God. I put watching movies or sports above God. I put hobbies above God. I put work above God. I put everything above God and everything above family.

I try to pretend to myself (and convinced myself most of the time) that I am a Godly father who is following God's will in my life with my kids. I have been a tourist, a pretender, a faker. And I am heart-sick over it.

I have let my wife and my family down so much and I can never get that back. I can never fix it to be gone. I have had my own desires and my own agenda and my joy was supposedly at the end of the road when I get to where I want doing what I want. That means that anything along the way that got in the way of my agenda and my road, was an obstacle... a nuisance. So when my wife asked me to do something for her and I did it, but with a bad attitude rolling my eyes or with a face of disapproval. All the while thinking I am a good husband because I did it... a lie I told myself. I grumped at my kids because they were obstacles to my desires to do my own things. I neglected to do things that may not be the most fun but would help my wife or my family in lieu of doing what I wanted that was more fun, more entertaining. Basically I found no joy in the journey. In the things that should be the real joy. Things like giving my babies a bath, playing catch with the boys, helping my wife with anything she could need or want me to help with, spending time with anyone in my family. That's where the real joy should be... not at the end of the road but all along the journey. I have been missing the true joy of life that God intended us to have.

This may sound like I am being overly dramatic or maybe too hard on myself... I can assure you I am not. I have been a bad husband, a bad father, a bad person for a while now. I don't rob banks or kill people or hurt people physically or commit violent crimes, etc. But I have been a liar, a faker, a man without integrity, selfish as I could be.

Here's the good part... It is very heavy on my heart. So heavy that I couldn't carry it after it was shown to me. So, after much lamenting and prayer, I decided to give it to God. He can carry it where I can't. I decided to give up everything that was in the way of being the Godly husband, father, man that I needed to be. I have purposed myself to be honest in all things. I have purposed myself to spend my free-time (what very little of that there is) not on watching movies/tv/listening to music but on study of God's word or following through with the things I said I would do. Not that entertainment is all bad but where it falls in the priority list is what decides how bad it is. Since I put those things before God and family, I have decided it needed to be put way back on the back burner until I have more of a grip on my selfishness. I have purposed myself to do what I say I will do. I promised my wife I would not let her teach our high school freshman his Worldviews curriculum alone, that I would be there with her and do it with her, together, and help carry the load. As of Saturday, I am ashamed to say I had not read one single thing or done one little bit. I have started it now and am trying to catch up with them. I have purposed myself to strive for purity in my life. I have purposed myself to speak gently to my children and not be angry and grumpy all the time. I have purposed myself to actually be a help to my wife and do it joyfully.

This is not easy as I have a long time's worth of bad habits to break. But after giving it to God I am absolutely amazed at how this week has gone so far. I am not perfect but God has given me the strength and resolve to keep with this. I have found joy for the first time in my adult life in the little things that don't focus on ME. I am enjoying trying to serve the people around me.

My montra that I keep saying over and over are the fruits of the spirit:

Galatians 5:22-23 (New King James Version)
²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, self-control...

I have not been bearing good fruit. There are many levels of discussion in that but that is the bottom line.

I have damaged my relationships all around my life with my choices... including my wife. I cannot imagine the disappointment she feels in me as I have let her down in so much. I cannot even ask for forgiveness because I do not feel she has a reason to forgive because I have said I would do better so many times and then don't. My prayer is that, with God's help and strength, the changes in my life and my attitude and my fruit show and eventually I can find favor again.

If you read this and feel the urging... please pray for me in this. I thank you.

It's a Girl

We had the mid-term sonogram this past week and we are officially going to be the Brady Bunch... it's girl #3. So that's three boys and three girls for those keeping score at home.

Everyone except the two oldest boys was happy about the results... the boys wanted another boy, of course.

A Banner Day

My 3 year-old son, Henry, has had this fear of pooping for a very long time now. It's not that he was constipated or anything... he just didn't want to poop. He actually would hold it in for a week at a time. We called it the Stinker Shuffle because of the dance he did while trying to hold it in with all his might. During these times he was extremely loud with crying and moaning and sometimes outright screaming. We all hate the Stinker Shuffle around here.

When it happened in public, people would really wonder what in the world those crazy people with all the kids are doing.

A few weeks ago, Henry decided (all at once pretty much) that he was going to pee on the potty and wear big boy underwear. That's how he put it. I gotta say, when the boy decides something, he does it. I honestly don't believe we've had one accident, even at night, since the very first day. Dry underwear every day and morning and after naps. We don't even ask if he has to go... he just does when he needs to. It's been the greatest potty training experience ever because he trained himself. He just decided to do it on his own without us pushing. Maybe that's the key.

BUT... we still have the Stinker Shuffle problem. He might be going on the potty, but the stinkers are still an issue as he still didn't want them to come out. THAT IS UNTIL NOW. Tonight, I was getting him ready for bed and he said he needed to go potty. That is totally normal and part of the schedule. We went in and he asked me not to peek, again his words. I said OK and turned my back and looked at the fishtank and my desk and whatever else was going on around me. After a minute or so I asked if he was done and he said, "Yup." Then he looked up at me and said, "I made my stinkers." I was stunned. I had no response but, "You did?" Well, God bless us all, he did. Not even a peep. I am thinking maybe the switch on his brain flipped tonight and the Stinker Shuffle is like the twist, or the mash potato... a thing of the past.

I can say that I felt very blessed and my wife was expressing the exact same sentiment. In fact, her exact words were, "It's a good day at the Beard's." Amen, Becca, Amen.

Proverbs 16:25 (New King James Version)

There is a way that seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death.

Rededication

I know, I know... I am maybe not the world's worst blogger as far as getting posts out here, but I am up there the slakerest of them. I am officially going to try to do a post a week. Why you ask? Why take the time out of the insanely busy schedule to post on your blog that maybe three people read and two are my wife and mother (who I am not even sure she reads it, but I guess she'll let me know if she reads this post)? Well, my original thought with this whole thing was that I would write about the struggles and successes and failures of my mission as a father. In doing this I was hoping to maybe understand it and get a clearer picture of my mission and my path within that. It would make me think about what I am doing and hold me accountable for what I say here, in a way. Also, maybe my struggles and triumphs could be inspiration for others on this same path. That's why I am purposing myself to get here and write it down. I even spent a little time and gave this thing a new look. I kind of like it. Anyway, I will see you soon, constant reader. No, really, I will.

Proverbs 16:33 (New King James Version)

³³ The lot is cast into the lap,
But its every decision is from the LORD.