1 Timothy 5:8; Is this the verse that says WE can choose the size of our family?

"But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

This verse was suggested as a response to my last post as a verse that may allow us to decide the size of our family instead of leaving that up to God.

Are we only to provide support for our immediate family?

The problem with taking this verse to support the point made, is that it is taken out of context. Here is the entire portion which in my Bible, is under the title, "Honor True Widows."

Honor widows who are really widows. But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God. Now she who is really a widow, and left alone, trusts in God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day. But she who lives in pleasure is dead while she lives. And these things command, that they may be blameless. But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:3-8

At first glance, verse 8, when standing alone, seems to be talking about our wives and children. That would support the argument that providing for a large family may be very difficult and the children in a large family would suffer because there isn't enough provision for them or dad has to work too much to provide for them. Therefore, we should limit the number of children we have because, obviously, we humans know best about how many children we can adequately provide for. Not to mention that we only have so much love to go around, how could we possibly have enough love for a large number of children? (Honestly, I believed all of this at one time so I am not being sarcastic and mean here).

I will get to why that argument is unbiblical and incorrect in a bit but I will address the verse first. If we look at the verse in the context of the entire fifth chapter of 1 Timothy we will see that the provision in verse eight is not so much monetary provision for our children but spiritual support for the elderly in our family and in our church, specifically widows, more specifically good widows. My MacArthur study Bible says of verse three, "'To show respect or care,' to support,' or 'to treat graciously.' Although it includes meeting all kinds of needs, Paul had in mind here not only this broad definition, but primarily financial support." The next two verses describe what makes a good widow:

"...She has been a good wife of one man, (referring to a woman who has been devoted and faithful to her husband) well reported for good works: if she has brought up children, if she has lodged strangers, if she has washed the saints' feet, if she has relieved the afflicted, if she has diligently followed every good work." 1 Timothy 5:9 - 10

I find it interesting that the first trait of a "good widow" is that she was a good and faithful wife to her husband and the second is she has brought up children. This is talking about a "Christian mother who has nourished or reared children that have followed the Lord." 1

A common mistake is to take verses out of context when looking for support for what we think is right, while forgetting to read the entire passage. It really does make a big difference.

What are we supposed to provide?

As far as the provision argument, what are WE providing? Cable TV? Two Cars? Replica football jerseys with the favorite players' names on them? The things that our affluent society has convinced us that we need to be giving our children doesn't necessarily fall under God's category for provision. There is a book titled When You Rise Up by R.C. Sproul, Jr. that goes into more detail about what we are truly responsible for providing for our children than I have room for. Highly recommended reading.

As for material goods, I contend that WE provide nothing and God provides all. I support this as follows:

"You may give them their food in due season. What you give them they gather in; You open Your hand, they are filled with good." Psalm 105:27 - 28

"Who gives food to all flesh, for His mercy endures forever." Psalm 136:25

"He gives to the beast its food, and to the young ravens that cry." Psalm 147:9

And of course the ever popular:

"Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" Matthew 6:26

God is a provider. Not that we are to be sinfully idle but that we trust that God will provide for our needs. That doesn't mean every worldly desire we have, but for our needs. My wife and I are in the middle of figuring out what needs really are. We used to think that cable t.v. was a need, but one look at our budget will tell anyone that it really isn't. So we have nixed cable, in addition to cell phones, eating out, new CD's, movie rentals.....the list goes on.

This whole thing is ALL about faith. We can't have faith that God knows how big our family should be and then doubt that he will provide for our needs. Is it difficult or a struggle to provide for a large family? Sure. There are many struggles and yes, things get very tight. We just had to put braces on our oldest boy and that is $2500+ for the first phase. Today I just went to the doctor to see why I've been sick for a week and don't seem to be getting better and it turns out I have pneumonia. It also turns out that it's kind of an expensive thing to have as far as prescriptions and such go. But, again, struggle is not necessarily a bad thing. Oh, I know, we all want to be comfortable and happy, but that tends to make us complacent and self-reliant. Do I wonder how all this gets paid for? Yes, I do. But I also must believe that God will provide for our needs when He feels the time is perfect, for His timing is perfect, even when it doesn't correspond to our timing.

I used to think differently!

I know exactly how the other side of this argument feels because I was there. I simply did not want to believe that God wanted us to go against good old American society and trust Him with so much. I was so adamant at not wanting to believe it that I convinced myself that I knew what I was talking about and didn't need God or His Word to tell me anything. That is a dangerous place to be, my friends, because typically if God really wants your attention it will take a very humbling and difficult situation in your life to bring you around.

Where's the love?

As far as the love argument, that we don't have enough love to go around for a whole bunch of children...well, I believed that once upon a time, too. I look back now and wonder how I did. There is always enough love. Some people watch twelve to fourteen TV shows a week and have enough love for all of them but we worry if we have enough love for our own, God-given children. Seriously, it's not about spreading or dividing love between your children. There is no limit on love. You love them all and the source (i.e., God) is eternal and endless.

So are we irresponsible because we throw caution to the wind and have more children just because we want to? First off, it's not about whether we want to have more children or not. It's about having faith that God knows how many we are supposed to have. We aren't trying to have more children, but we aren't trying not to, either. And if having faith in God is irresponsible, then sign me up. If what we are doing goes against the common sense of today's culture, that seems like a good thing to me.

1 Corinthians 1:20 says, "Where is the wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the disputer of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of this world?"

UPDATE: I want to clarify something. After re-reading the above again, it sounds like I could be saying let God take care of everything and you don't have to do anything to take care of your family. That's not what I am saying at all. We were created for work and God doesn't always just give things to us without working for them. We do have to work and we do have to put forth effort to take care of our families. What I was saying above is there is a generous amount of faith that we must have when trying to follow the path that we believe God has put us on. If you are doing what He wants, He will take care of you, but you will still have to work for it. I don't want someone to think I am saying they don't have to take care of their families because they are supposed to just have faith that God will give them what they need without having to do anything for it. :)


1 John MacArthur - The MacArthur Study Bible - Thomas Nelson, Inc. 1997

All scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1979, 1980, 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Why? Because My Wife Wanted It?

I must admit most of the opposition I get to my decision to reverse my vasectomy and let God decide the size of our family is that I let my wife nag/push/force me into it. That I did it just because she wanted it. Um, no. Let me clarify that a little. It is true that she was the first to realize the proper direction and to bring it up to me on many occasions. That just means that she was first to be right. It is true that her passion in this direction far preceded my own belief that this was even the correct direction. Does that mean I caved and let her have her way because I am weak or was sick of hearing her talk about it? Absolutely not.

Even when I finally decided to do this, I was not completely on board with the idea of it all because I refused to pray about it or research the scriptures on it. I did not WANT to believe it was right because it was uncomfortable and difficult and I didn't want that. When I decided to do this it was with the idea that I am commanded by God to love my wife and give myself up for her as Christ did the church (Ephesians 5:25). If this is what it takes to do that, then I can do that. I also want to be very clear that I now believe that she was right all along and I was dense. More on that later.

If you are the wife of a man who feels he is done with the "having kids" thing and he wants to not have more kids (blessings) and get a vasectomy... if you are at the point where you feel that you do not want to "nag" him into doing it because of you... I urge you not to give in. That does not mean you have to nag or push or fight about it. Prayer does bring miracles, I am proof of that. I am hardheaded and my wife stopped pushing and started praying and even got a couple of her friends to pray about it, also. Well, it worked as God changed my heart. It was a strange path it took to get here now, but it was what it took to teach me the lessons I had to learn. I originally did this for my wife. There's nothing wrong with that at all. I ultimately came to believe she was right, even if I wasn't there in the beginning.

As far as my belief that it is right... There are so many places in scripture where it talks about children being a blessing, God controlling the womb (opening it and closing it), having faith that God knows best, that many children are a blessing. Oh, but that is a different time and a different culture, right? God is unchanging, my friends. I don't think he cares much for our culture anyway. There are also many places in scripture where people make their own choices, that they feel are correct and good but are based on their own knowledge. But each decision that they made, it turned out, was against the will of God, and those choices led to so many bad ends. Adam and Eve, Abraham and Sarah, Cain, Saul, the nation of Israel... and that is just in the first few books of the Bible.

I have asked many times for someone to find me ONE scripture reference that says it is ok for me to be in control of the size of my family. Just one. Or hey, how about a scripture reference that says that I have the common sense to make any decision on my own. If we had any sense, we would make sure our lives were mirroring scripture. I can find a lot of scripture that says it is up to God but have never seen one or been shown one that says it can be up to me. Shouldn't that be enough?

Encouragement

In the past week or so I have started something new. I try to give each of my children some sort of encouragement as I leave for work. It is usually something I know they are needing to work on or something they are struggling with. Like not complaining, or being kind to everyone during the day, or finishing their chores with integrity and a good work ethic. I didn't really know how well this would work or how quickly I would even see any benefits if there were going to be any visible benefits. I assumed that there would be some sort of benefit, I mean, how could daily encouragement not help someone?

I have seen a very quick example of the immediate benefits. This morning we were off kilter with the schedule as I had to take my 11 year old to his first orthodontist appointment to get his braces on (ugh). Since the schedule was all wonky, I forgot to give the daily dose of encouragement. Well, tonight I got home from work and my wife was very frustrated with the day. Chores were slacked all around and there were some behavior issues during the day. I am not going to completely fool myself into believing that this was because I didn't encourage them this morning. That the rest of the week, that was pretty decent overall with them (not perfect but decent I think), was because of my morning encouragement. I am going to believe that the encouragement added to their attitudes of success and maybe pushed them in that direction some. I think it would work for me if someone encouraged me daily in what I needed for that day.

So, I will continue to give the encouragement and I believe I will continue to see success in them as I do. It also keeps me in tune with what's going on with the kids and what they are dealing with as I try to tailor the encouragement to each of them and their needs/struggles. I want to encourage each of you dads (and moms) to try it, too. It certainly cannot hurt them or you and is actually a pretty satisfying experience to know you are giving them a boost every day.

Never Give In

Winston Churchill, in his "Never Give In" speech, made on October 29, 1941 to the boys at his old school, Harrow, said "Never give in — never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy."

To the world and it's opposition to God's will, holy thoughts, righteous living, Godly attitudes, purity and goodness... I pray that we will "never give in."

Mission of Fatherhood

Well, I've put off starting a blog for a long time and I didn't really consider anything I would have to say as anything worth reading by anyone but myself and I had no intentions of reading it after writing it so I figured "what is the point?" But, I thought maybe I would write about my life as a Christian father trying to be obedient to God with my family and wise in leading them. The reason this even came to mind to write about is that I feel like I struggle with being a Godly father so incredibly much that writing about my trials and failures (and hopefully successes) might possibly be a tool for God to help someone else along the way. If I can be a tool for God, even in the smallest and unknown way, then I am blessed to be used that way.

I do not have a clue how this will go or even what will come out as time goes on. I am notoriously bad at finding time for everything I need/want to do. I am really hoping that I can make the time and commit myself to documenting my struggles and my triumphs as I work through life as a Christian father.

Just to begin... I have four children, ages 11 (boy), 8 (girl), 6 (boy), 1 (boy) and my wife is pregnant with our fifth. I was a guy who never really ever considered having children, maybe one, but not a whole crew. After our first I was fine with just one. My wife wanted another to keep him company and to avoid the only child thing. I gave in and that gave us two. The third was not planned and that gave us three. After that I got a vasectomy. We were done. Thanks, God, but we're at our limit.

Even before the vasectomy was done, my wife was questioning whether that was a decision we should have made or not. After it was done she continued to question it and I was fine with it since it was already done. She kept saying that she believed we just told God that we didn't want anymore blessings. We had even sought the council of the children's pastor at our church (at that time) and he said everyone has their limits and we should think about how having too many children causes them all to suffer as they would not receive the attention they need. I am very alarmed by that now that I look back on it.

I was not on board with the "let God decide the size of your family" theory that my wife was becoming more and more convinced was the direction we should be going. I kept thinking, oh no, I can't be a "quiver-full" guy.

After many months of my wife and I being on opposite ends of this idea and the strain that put on our relationship, I was at that point that we all get to eventually where we weakly fall to the floor and groan to God and (finally) seek His face purely, completely, with the humblest of attitudes because we are totally defeated by the situation that is currently beating us into a small heap on the floor. Why it takes something like that to finally get us to that point is beyond me, but it does seem to take something severe to get our attention. Well, at that time, after I finally gave up the incredibly human notion that I can handle things and deal with them on my own, God showed me something. He basically showed me that my being in total agreement with the "quiver-full" mission my wife was being called strongly into was not the point at all. It was not about me in the least. MY mission as husband to her was to "love [my wife], just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Ephesians 5:25). If Christ loved me enough to give his LIFE for me in a torturous and painful death, then surely I can give up my selfish desires (unbiblical desires at that) and love my wife enough to let go of my fears.

So, I finally agreed to get the vasectomy reversed. This was no small thing to me. The vasectomy itself was difficult enough and it was only about four minutes worth of my life. The reversal on the other hand is much more invasive and takes about an hour and a half or so. I cannot tell you the fear I had at doing this. I think I was as scared as I've ever been. I won't go into great detail about that part of this story but I did make it there and through the surgery without running away and hiding somewhere. And about a year later, we had our fourth child and our first reversal baby.

This was not necessarily a welcomed idea with many of our friends who think we are a little bit crazy among other things. It seemed some did not understand or agree with the decision. This sometimes made it very difficult as we were trying to be obedient to God's call with our family and wanted everyone to understand and rejoice with us. Why would anyone be against the idea of us trying to be obedient to a calling we felt God was putting on our lives?

When he (#4) was about nine months old or so we came to the point where my wife was beginning her monthly cycle again and the possibility to become pregnant again was there. We both were a bit nervous at the thought. Especially with the lack of support from those around us. My wife commented to me that this is where the rubber hits the road. If we backed out now any good we'd done as an example of faith in God for our family would be shot, even with our own children who knew the whole story of what we were doing. Well, as difficult as it was for me, I forced myself to not worry about what day of the cycle it was (stay away from day 14 was what I was taught in my worldly education). We just went on with our lives and trusted that God knew what he was doing.

December of 2007 #5, a beautiful baby girl, was born.

And guess what? #6 is due somewhere around December of 2009.

The point here is that I didn't want a large family, but what I want is irrelevant. It is not about me. We should consider our lives here on this planet as an extra long mission trip after which we go back home to be with Christ when our work is done. That's a hard one to follow as there are just too many opportunities to self-indulge and enjoy life. I do not believe we were put here to enjoy ourselves exactly. I believe we were put here to find joy in the things that He gives us to do. Joy and happiness are not necessarily the same thing and we have such a tendency to want happiness. When I finally get it more figured out I believe I will see that joy is actually way more satisfying than happiness ever even thought about being.

So this journey that I am on has really just begun. I am 40-something and having my sixth child and letting God decide how many we have. My attitude about it has changed dramatically, thank you, God. I love my kids and cannot imagine not having them... every one of them. Not that I am not a little scared still, but I am loosening up more and more and enjoying my mission at this point. I have such a long way to go and I pray God grants me wisdom to do it right. That is the purpose of my little blog here, to document my journey and hopefully be used by God to help others finding themselves on a similar journey. Here's to letting go and having faith.